Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in plain_n_normal's LiveJournal:

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Friday, November 17th, 2006
6:42 pm	Found! My black slacks! My aunt made me clean my room today (more like just clear a path so I don't trip all over stuff) and they were in my little set of drawers I got from Walmart. I hate Walmart. I found a strategy, go on Halloween. I went to the one that I absolutely HATED in Houston. This Walmart is a 24 one and there are screaming kids in it constantly. C.O.N.S.T.A.N.T.L.Y. My last night in Houston I got off of work and went there to do some last-minute shopping for some crap I needed to move back to Tulsa. As soon as I walked in there and didn't trip over a wandering two year old it dawned on me, "Oh God, it's Halloween". When I finished getting all giddy I ran around and noticed people staring at me, staring. When I was half done I realized it was because I was in my work uniform and I looked like a big goober dressed like a flight attendant for Halloween. Today I went and enrolled in school. Hopefully this time I actually go to class and do well. I talked to a guidance counselor and told her my problems from past attempts to go to school and she said that since I was paying for everything myself I may be more inclined to go to class, and to also get into some groups. If I make friends in my classes or make friends in some French club or something I may want to stick with it more. I hope I do better. Third time is the charm, so they say. OH, and I'm actually taking classes the way I want to. I got onto some "Fast Track" courses that are done in 4 weeks or 8 weeks instead of the regular 16. That sounds about right because about 10 weeks into school I usually get fed up and quit. AND some fun classes may help keep my attention. Current Mood: determined Current Music: The Fray (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 15th, 2006
5:42 pm	Holy Shit. It's been a couple of years since I have pecked at this little blog of mine. I've actually quit 3 jobs, gone through 2 boyfriends and many dates. I've finally found something I'm good at, being unemployed. I dig it! Not really, but I've read several books, one author even convincing me it's ok to be unemployed, fat and angry. I've recently became angry because of my latest job. I was a flight attendant. After repeating those announcements so many times and nearly breaking an arm, rib or foot by trying to hoist that damn pressurized door open. I am done being a flight attendant. Done. Now I'm unemployed and going on my second day of reading and eating, chasing the cat and enjoying the hell out of my pajama pants. Reasons why I didn't leave the house to get a job today: 1. it was fucking cold and windy 2. can't find my black slacks 3. the printer won't print the entire resume, just the headings (i guess i'm supposed to fill in the blanks?) 4. i'm not ready Tom Cruise is likable in my book. He talks to fans' moms while he walks down the red carpet. How cool is that? Really. Sure he knocked up his young girlfriend, but how abnormal is that in our country? Seriously. Oh Science, I hope I can get out of the house and go job hunting tomorrow before I spend all the money I get paid tonight. Current Mood: hungry (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, March 17th, 2005
6:13 pm	Life is still setteling after everything. I've seen about three kids from school so far, but no one that I really want to see. I love being at my dad's house right now because the kids are on spring break and we get to hang out all day just like when we were little. My dad works weird hours so I get to see him more than normal. Today was eventful, I got to talk to one of my old best friends and as I was on the phone I was eating Vienna weiners with at tooth pick, my dog wanted on so I took a bite of one and handed him the other half on the tooth pick and he took the whole thing. By the time I dropped the phone and fell to the floor to get it out of his mouth he had already swallwed it. We called my step-mom and she came home and too him to the vet. Crazy. He's fine now, he had to have a scope done and he has to eat bland food and pumpkin puree. Poor Chewey. My sister and I dyed our hair black. I think it looks cool, more sleek and I think I look older. I finally went out, we went to a pool hall and played pool and after we pigged out on taco bell, mmmmmm. It feels so good to have people here to take care of me and love me. I went to wal mart and they have nice clothes now, I would have bought this blazer for 20 bucks but I didn't have 20 bucks, but hey, I could do it when they go on sale! Current Music: LAMB-Gwen Stefani (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, March 6th, 2005
9:11 am	Will My Life PLEASE Get Back To Normal!?!? SO! Paris was awesome, I want to go back soon. I'm ok for now and things are falling into place as I expected them. The flight home was nice, 10 hours but there was practically nobody on the plane and I had a whole row of seats to myself and I got to take a nap. It was snowing in Paris when we left so we were an hour late leaving, meaning that I was an hour late getting to Dallas and I missed my flight because customs took too freaking long and Dallas is a big airport. I was only an hour late getting home but that's a long time when you've been flying all day and you're tired. It was amazing when we flew over Europe, we flew north from Paris and flew over England and Scotland, then turned and flew over Ireland and then I fell asleep and woke up and saw big huge blobs of white and assumed it was Canada. The thing that pissed me off was when the captain of the plane made an announcement that we were flying over Tulsa, I was like "Give me a parachute and let me go home!" but they didn't and it was another four hours before I was back. I saw my aunt and I was so happy, she asked me what I wanted to eat for supper and I thought really hard. For the past week I had been living around the corner from KFC and I had smelled barbecue and had the strangest craving for some barbecue ribs. SO, we went to this hole in the wall barbecue place with a buffet and everything! Yes, there were about seven women that were over 300 pounds and my self-esteem was on a little big of an inflation at that point. I got to see my dad and steps, they're all doing well, I guess. I was so jet lagged and went home and passed out, my aunt woke me up at about 730 the next morning and I stayed home all day talking on the phone and catching up on all the crap on TV I've missed in the past year. My aunt has this really rad phone plan that I can call anywhere in the US and it doesn't cost anything, she just pays one flat rate for everything, needless to say I made some random phone calls, but everyone was so happy to hear from me, I can't wait to go home to LA and see all my friends. My dad is cool, he gave me some money and I am going to get some new clothes soon, maybe today, I don't know. He got me a car, apparently it's not what he said it was a few weeks ago, but it's a car with four wheels and it goes so do I really care? Nope! I need to talk to my dad about my relationship with my step-sister and my relationship with him. He doens't realize that I love him and her, I understand the situation between the two, and what he says to her about me, stays with me. When she goes off on her little rants about how much she hates my dad I sit there and listen, she never knows my opinion about anything. Somehow he thinks that I confide in her and tell her every little detail of my life and my opinions about everything. I don't want to be put in the middle. So when I first got off the plane in Dallas I noticed that these people are dumb asses. When I was waiting for my bags in Tulsa, an old woman came up to my aunt and me and was telling us how she went to the governor's ball and how she got to see Cheney and all this garbage. She was decked out in Bush/Cheney crap. Me being the polite person that I was, I listened to her and just let her talk. She wasn't telling me about how great Bush is or how much she likes what he's doing to our country, so I could tolerate her. She told me how American Airlines had lost her bags and she had to go buy a new outfit for the evening and when she got home her bags were there waiting for her, she went on to say that she didn't know what shoes to wear because it was snowing so she just bought some black boots and blah...blah..blah. I got away from her and left my aunt to listen to her ramblings, then when I came back she was still there. She asked me where I had been and I said, "Paris!" She was shocked and didn't really know what to say or think but she asked me how long I had been there and what I had been doing and I gave her the whole, "About a year, nanny" thing I've worked out, and she went on to tell me that she had a friends' nieces' daughter and her husband, they were really heavyset people, but really Christian-like, and they were truck drivers and would let people live in their house for months at a time and blah...blah..blah. Oklahoma, WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING? Where do these people get their stupidity? Why can't they think? What is wrong with their heads? Oh, as I was walking around the Dallas airport I was mad because I missed my flight, I was sweaty because I had been running, and I smelled bad because I didn't take a shower before I left Paris, I was a mess, sweat pants and I was SO overdressed. When we left Paris it was snowing, I was wearing two shirts a long sleeved shirt, sweatshirt, scarf and I had a big coat with me. In Dallas it was about 75 and sunny. So I'm going up these stairs, I decided to walk up them because I needed the exercise, and this man, about 50 years old 100 pounds with a nasty cowboy hat, all I heard him say was "..as in, you're a 10" and if he only knew how sexy I felt at that moment, actually, I don't think that it was in his capacity to know how I felt at that moment, so nevermind. REDNECKS BUG ME! Not to brag or anything, but I know that I am more intelligent than half of the population here in Tulsa, and I have more class than the population too, sure I'm a dork, but these people are ridiculously RETARDED! Right now I'm going to go eat some chocolate gravy and biscuits and visit with my redneck family...and it's beautiful here! Going to be about 75 today and guess what!! I'm barefoot and my feet are dirty! I love it!! Current Mood: bouncy (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, February 27th, 2005
6:42 pm	fin Ok, long long, hecktic week behind me. Packing and re-packing all of my belongings. Broke the computer at home, I`m not going to say anything about it now because maybe I don`t have to get yelled at before I leave the country....at this point, I really don`t care! I saw the Mona Lisa and various other pieces of art in the Louvre, I walked all over old Paris for two days and hardly ate anything, so now my pants fit! yay! They look funny, but at least I can zip them up! I saw a post card in Les Halles with Marilyn Monroe`s picture on it, the same as my icon, too poor to buy it , but it`s all good. I think tomorrow I have to work but that`s cool it`s the last day I`ll be with the family and I kind of want to be with them knowing the next time I`m with them will be in a few YEARS, not days or weeks. I don`t know where the family is today, but I don`t care, I`m in the flat and I`m warm! I met my friend from myspace, it was weird and he`s all weirded out now, he told me to keep calling him but I tore his number up and threw it down the toilet, I`m done chasing guys, I sent him my number at the flat, if he wants to see me, he can call me. I keep falling in love with my Red Hot Chili Peppers cd, every time I put it on I love it and don`t get tired of it....some random thoughts there! It`s been snowing here in Paris like crazy, it only stuck once, but it was enough for me to know what Paris was like in the snow, absolutely gorgeous! I talked to one of Isabelle`s friends who is in NA here in Paris and she`s going to help me get into a program for me when I get to Oklahoma, that`s really what I want and need, some sort of support so that I can help myself. Sometimes when you think there`s nothing there for you something comes right out of the blue and reaches you...didn`t mean for that to rhyme, it just did. I`m going to have dinner with some friends Tuesday and Wednesday nights so that`s nice, at least I`ll see people after the family leaves. This is it, this is what I wanted and I got it, start to finish, and I really can`t believe it`s over. Current Mood: satisfied Current Music: red hot chili peppers-by the way (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, February 19th, 2005
4:36 pm	gotta love this guy "Listen, first of all, you never want a president to say 'never.' But military action is certainly not — it's never the president's first choice," he said. "Diplomacy is always the president's first — at least my first choice." president potatoe-head himself!!!! Mr. Moore can add that to his list of Bushisms (3 Comments |Comment on this)
4:31 pm	things i have done instead of packing: cut my hair painted my toe nails shaved my legs, and other various parts of my body that needed it played on the computer wrote four e-mails stressed over a phone number i found i am SO procarastinating...or unmotivated my future doggie http://puppydogweb.com/caninebreeds/papillons.htm (5 Comments |Comment on this)
12:39 pm	am i over it??? while packing i found a piece of paper i thought i threw away about a year ago...i thought i cut all contact from me to him, but apparently i didn't have the guts to do it. now i'm glad i'm moving to oklahoma and not going to back to LA, or i would actually use that number. i have to ask myself, am i really over it? could i throw that paper away and be happy with myself now? i don't know, i still would like to see him when i go back to LA, just to kick it for a little while, knowing that nothing will happen between us anymore. i tried just being friends and hanging out like one of the guys, but when another girl comes over and i hear the words he used to say to me, just causes way too much sorrow inside than i'd like to bare anymore. i could always call his friends or just show up at my old work, just showing my face around town will make people talk, or maybe i will run into him and we'll have a nice talk. maybe i'm stressing way too much about this. i'm keeping the paper knowing that i will want to see him when i go back to LA this summer. just to see his face and see what his life has been like since i've left, not that me leaving would affect his life in any way, but i would like to think that he thought about me at least once since i've been gone. if there ever was a person i could have loved it would have been him...if only he knew. thinking about this way way too much and i think i'm done. i'm still keeping the paper (10 Comments |Comment on this)
10:03 am	i would agree Your Brain is 60.00% Female, 40.00% Male Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female You are both sensitive and savvy Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve What Gender Is Your Brain? (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, February 18th, 2005
6:26 pm	stupid drunk love ok, so the woman i live with just went off on me about how france has the best way of life in the world, and i just stood there and took it. all because i was bitching about not being able to cash my check. that's something that's been forbidden here in france apparently. whatever, it just adds another reason why i'm glad to be going home and getting away from these people who like fanny packs and little bitch cars. ok yes i'm bitter, only slightly. my lovely experience with my drunken love. last summer i met one of my host families friends, nicolas. The first time I met him was about three days after I had gotten into the village and everything was still new to me. He came up to me and gave me kisses, one on each cheeck, something that was completely foreign to me at this time. His confidence took me in, he's a slightly cocky fucker, he drives a nice car and everyone knows who he is and he knows mostly everyone, well everyone who's worth knowing. His family was born and bred in Castets and I personally don't see him leaving any time soon either. I met him and we talked what we could, him speaking no English and me speaking no French we enjoyed a few awkward silences and glasses of rum. One night he offered to take me to the movies because my host dad had gotten free tickets to the movies for some reason. I got to enjoy The Day After Tomorrow in French, not only was it a horrible movie, it was even worse not knowing what the hell they were saying, but I ate my peanut M&Ms and drank my diet Coke like a champ and didn't sleep a wink. (there were some scenes shot in my town i lived in in California and I kept trying to explain that was where I lived in California, but he didn't understand) Secretly, I wanted him to kiss me or make out with me, just so I'd get some action, but it never happened. To make matters for me slightly worse, I overheard him talking on his cell phone to a girl who he told he loved her. So, my idea of how to end the perfect night were slightly bummed. I think I think about sex more than men do, because if men can think about sex more than me, that's fucking nuts. After the film we sat outside and talked with my host dad for a while listening to music and talking about random things, he offered to take me to a concert or two or to the beach, whatever. Weeks passed and I never heard from him. I assumed he was happy with his girlfriend and had no interest in me, then one night out of the blue he called me and invited me to a pool party. I was stoked! I got all prettied up and brought my camera, yes there are pictures of that horrible night, and he came to get me, it was great. We started drinking, I was going light, I didn't want to over do anything and make an ass out of myself, but then there was this game. I had only had about two maybe three beers, and this game, it was so intriguing. With a pack of cigarettes you flip and if it lands a certain way you drink, if it lands a certain way you choose someone to drink, if it lands another way you flip again, and if it lands standing straight up you choose someone to drink their full glass. I was so good at this game, I was making everyone drink, and drink, a chunk of time passed, (couldn't tell you how long, I was drunk) then some boy poured me a drink, a French drink, called Ricard. That was the drink that ended my night. It tastes a little like licorice and a lot like, "holy shit this stuff's going to make me puke!" Just after he poured my drink I heard people shouting, "Oh, NO!" I looked up and saw the pack of cigarettes standing straight up and all eyes on me. Even being drunk I knew what was ahead of me, I knew that I was chosen to drink my cup without having to be told. Now, where was my dear friend Nicolas at this time? Well, he dropped me off at the party, kind of. He was off in some field talking on his cell phone to his girlfriend in Paris. I had made a few friends at the party, Jess, a pretty girl with pink hair and a matching pink shirt, she was about sixteen, I guess. Sandra, who had bright red hair and a hook nose, and big boobs and told dirty jokes, and Sarah, who was beautiful and dressed in the nicest, most stylish clothes at the party. Where were they when I had to drink? Well, they said that I didn't have to drink, but everyone else was insisting that I drink, even knowing what I had in my cup. Being the dumbass that I am, I chugged. Everything is still foggy after that, another chunk of time passed and my friend Nicolas came back. All of a sudden all the boys stripped naked and jumped into the pool. I caught a glimpse or two more than what I wanted, but hey, I learned that they don't circumcise in France! Anyway, somehow I vaguely remember music, then wait, was I...dancing? Yes, sadly enough, Shelley got asked to dance by the charming Nicolas, and all I can remember is saying that I can't feel my legs and boom! I was flat on my back stuck between some pool chairs. Ok, I brushed myself off and sat back down and continued to drink. Vodka, rum, whiskey, more beer, oh, and I smoked, remember that pack of cigarettes? Well, I smoked them all, non-smoker here, and I smoked about a full pack Marlboro reds. There was some talk about going to a night club just about forty-five minutes away. I was SO down! Dunk and all, I wanted to go dancing (and if anyone has ever seen me dance, it's a cross between the "Carlton" and what they did in the 80s). Once we got into the car, I saw a whole nother side of Nicolas. I sat in the back on the left and he was in the middle. He put his hand on my thigh and kept it there. When he got out and went to get his money from the bank, I moved to the middle and he was in the back left. Once we were rolling again, he was all over me. The music was loud and he leaned over and kissed me, or maybe I kissed him, who knows, but we were making out all the way there. Once we got to the club he was still all over me, dancing with me and kissing me. I got really nauseous and ran to the bathroom and puked, yup, I puked and I felt better, all I wanted was to go home and go to bed, but the best I could do was go to the car. I made my sad little way out of the bathroom and told everyone I wanted to lie down in the car. So, I went alone to the car and before I knew it, who's in the car with me? Nicolas, yes he decided that we weren't done quite yet. We kissed even more and then he asked me to stay with him for the night, he'd get me home in the morning and we could stay in his apartment alone...what did I say? umm...no, thank you. I told him I knew that he had a girlfriend and I wanted nothing to do with a guy that had a girlfriend. As far as I can remember that's what I said. It may not have been in French, and it may not have been in English, but I mumbeled something that should have resembled that. He told me I was a "good girl" which translates to "good fuck" and I left it at that because he wasn't telling me anything I didn't already know. That was the last I remember of him being like that with me. He was kind of a cocky jerk the next few times I saw him and he introduced me to a lot of his friends who just wanted to fuck me, so needless to say my love/sex life in France has blown major balls, no romance for me. As for the morning after, well it was a Friday, and I woke up at about 10am, the kids had to be at school at 9am and the mother took care of it all giving me my half day a day early. I was hurting that day, and even right now the smell of Ricard makes me wanna barf! This is one of the funniest nights I've ever reflected on, I just hope the people who spent that night with me think it's a funny as I do. (7 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, February 17th, 2005
10:22 pm	i love these things Your Love Number is 1 You tend to be a stubborn lover, holding your ground in every argument You take your time falling in love. You aren't the type to lose perspective. You are loyal (to a fault), and you require the same loyalty in your sweetheart. At your best, you are a wise and inspiring partner - who sticks around. What Is Your Love Number? (Comment on this)
5:32 pm	my dream i just woke up from a really long nap. it was kinda nice even with the construction just next to my window. at one point i was in a house with my dad and he was telling me about my mom being in jail, and he wanted to know how much she owed in fines and how much her bail was, i told him to just leave her there because she'd never learn her lesson unless she hits rock bottom, everyone always helps her out and she just goes right back to where she was. after i had made my point my dad started telling me a story of when he was in jail, and he got really emotional, i told my step brother and sister to leave the room that it was none of their business. they got all pissed but left. then my dad and i went out to the back of the house and were talking and all of a sudden he's in this black dance outfit with a skirt and everything, he had nice legs, but that's beside the point, my dad was wearing women's clothes! so i kind of listen to him, kind of think about something else, that's normal for when my dad gives me lectures and talks. i walked around to the front of the house and went in through the front door and i see a car pull up, a skinny blond girl in a purple dress runs in the house and i didn't recgonize it before, but it's my sister. i was so overwhelmed from my dad talking to me and talking about my mom in jail that once her arms were around me and i had my face safely buried in her hair i started crying. i woke up and was crying. it was so so strange. my dad, the black dance outfit, my sister, my mom, everything was so clear and so strange. Current Mood: calm (2 Comments |Comment on this)
1:12 pm	my head in the clouds on the way home i was watching the old couple in the car behind me. they were arguing about something, and it was really funny. the woman was being very dramatic waving her arms and i could tell she was yelling, the man just sat there and stared straight ahead. when she'd make a point he'd agree with he'd make a face, then when she'd say something he'd disagree with he'd make another face. ocasionally he would say a sentence or two, but it was the woman who dominated the "discussion". i could tell on the man's face that this wasn't the first time he'd lost an argument and it wasn't going to be his last, so he kind of just gave up. it was really sad to see a man who was once a boy or a young man my age and so full of fight and spunk, go down like that to a little five foot woman. i guess that's what love does to someone, wears them raw on the inside and out, ok that wasn't meant to be gross, but hey, that's what love does? i just hope that i can find a man willing enough to put up with my shit till either he dies or i die. one day. Current Mood: peaceful Current Music: norah jones (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 16th, 2005
5:52 pm	so so so bored bored bored, friggedy frickin bored. nothing to do, kids are playing, i have a half an hour before they need a shower so i have nothing to do but sit here on my butt and write this. norah jones is good. so freaking bored. i want to take a nap, really no, i want to just go to bed. fill in my little log of things i did, or didn't do, or did and i shouldn't have done and just close out the world and sleep. that is the best way to pass time. yes, yes it surely is. i can't wait till i go home. life here i come. i looked at dogs online and i decided i want a papillon. my friend's mom had one and they seem to be alright dogs. fairly smart, calm sometimes and lovey. i don't want a little bitchy dog or a chihuahua those things bug me, but i want a dog and i can't have a dog bigger than 20 pounds if i want to live in an apartment. i thought about getting a cat, but i want someone i can take to the park or walking with me sometimes, cat's aren't really down with putting on a leash and going out for a little stroll and meeting other dogs. i dig the little dog. i have had a name picked out for a while for a little dog, for a girl lilly would be my name of choice and for a boy roman, but either of these are subject to change if the dog just looks like a ralph or sam, know what i mean? but i really like the name lilly and roman, but if i use one of these then later on in life if i have a son and i still like the name roman, what do i do? name the kid after the dog? oh well, i'm not even into buying the dog yet or having kids, i'm just in dreaming mode. i wish i already had a little apartment. i can't wait to decorate it and pick out furniture and plates and curtains. i'm so ready to have a say in what the house looks like and how it's all decorated. i want to be on my own and have my own territory, oh soon so so soon! i read about how celebrities my age and younger have their own apartments and houses and they get to decorate it all, sparing no expenses. i wish that were my situation. i'd get pottery barn or laura ashley to just come in and decorate the place. i think i'm going to enjoy my life on my own. i have had so much drama wherever i've lived, no matter where i go it always seems to happen, divorces, separations, new girlfriends, new kids. i'd like a little bit of consistency for once, just me and a little animal, no men. i want to live alone and find out who i am and what i want. i know what i want, i know who i am right now, but i still need to grow up before i start thinking about living with someone. one of my cousins lives with her boyfriend, they're eighteen or nineteen, i think that's too young because now there's no boundaries in the relationship, and if the relationship goes sour, what are they to do? i'll let a man move in with me or i'll talk about sharing an apartment with a man when there's talk of marriage, before then, well, it's not going to happen. i am so bored i daydream about moving out and having dogs and boyfriends and boyfriends who talk about marriage. my head has moved forward, but my body is stuck in this miserable village with nothing to do. Current Mood: day dreaming Current Music: norah jones (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 15th, 2005
3:41 pm	oh will i miss it? I don't know if I'm actually going to be able to update or think much for the next few days, so I'm going to do a list of the top things I'm going to miss about being here, in France... 1) Nothing working, and generic French brands that break after three to six months 2) Not worrying about getting pulled over for speeding 3) Speaking French 4) The milk and yogurt, so good and creamy! 3) Euros 4) Waking up every morning and going, "Holy shit! I'm in FRANCE! WTF!?!" 5) Everyone calling me Lee Lee, apparently Shelley is too hard to say 6) All six channels on the TV, most of which I have never watched 7) Not knowing what the signs and lights mean while driving, and running random red lights That's all I can think of right now, but I'm going to miss a lot once I get back. One thing I'm not going to miss is living with these people any more. I will miss each person individually, but this family is not meant for me. They have brought out the worst in me and I'm really tired of them. Too much going behind other people's backs and saying that other people are wrong just because they're different. I have no respect in this house, so I'm going to be on my way. Current Mood: ick Current Music: counting crows (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, February 14th, 2005
8:35 pm	The summer days are gone too soon You shoot the moon And miss completely And now you're left to face the gloom The empty room that once smelled sweetly Of all the flowers you plucked if only You knew the reason Why you had to each be lonely Was it just the season? Now the fall is here again You can't begin to give in It's all over When the snows come rolling through You're rolling too with some new lover Will you think of times you've told me That you knew the reason Why we had to each be lonely It was just the season i'm sad i don't have a valentine, i'm sad that i've never had a valentine, but it's not as sad as i feel knowing that i've never had a love on any other day of the year i don't know what i think of when i sing this song, past or present, but it's very fitting for how i've felt here lately i guess i'm going to bed with my new norah jones cd, and nothing else, maybe next year will be better poo poo on days like this, things are getting out of hand and i need to start trying to control them again. don't know what to do, but i'll figure something out. i hope this isn't as bad as i think, but who knows. just realized someone came into my room today and cleared the dirty dishes from my desk, don't know if i should be thankful or embarrassed that i'm so messy. oh well, i just won't think anything about it, they just better stay the fuck away from my other shit! grrrr! my room, my mess, my business! Current Music: norah jones (4 Comments |Comment on this)
6:10 pm	another weekend passed, one more to go. i still feel like a damn prisoner in my home. i want to do whatever i want, but i'm forced to worry about what the mom thinks while i'm on the computer or just in my room while the kids are playing. they're just fine, and my games aren't as entertaining as whenever they play by themselves. i do play with them, but it's hard whenever they're already into a game and i come into the room and try to fit into their game, somehow it doesn't work. so, i stay away keeping an eye on them and an eye on the clock so i get them into the shower on time. i'm so tired. i had a long day, but it was nice. nice food, nice people. monday down, let's see about how i can get tuesday over with, once i get past wednesday, i'm going to start shitting myself realizing that i have four days left and i need to start packing my stuff. i have a long laundry list of things to do, and i'm procrastinating till the very end. today as i was driving i realized i needed gas, being the dumbass that i am, i had left my purse and credit card at home meaning, i'm fucked if i run out of gas, luckilly i didn't run out, i'm knocking on some wood and thanking the universe for all my luck. i have a headache due to the fact i'm taking myself off of my honey diet...sad, yes, but i really need to cut back my sugar intake if i want to lose the ten pounds before i go. i ran a mile and a half today, yay! i'm absolutely crazy and i'm going to meet one of my online friends. never met someone from the computer before, this is going to be interesting. we're going to meet in paris at starbucks...i figure it's safe, and if i end up not liking the situation it'll be crowded and there's bound to be other americans there that can help me out, i think things are going to be just fine though, he seems respectable enough. if i end up disappearing, that's just my luck, but i feel alright about doing this. oh well. you only live once, right. i found out i'm not getting my step-mom's car, but another car, a fucking honda accord, what are the odds, the car that i hated because of all the bad experiences i've had with hondas and accords, fuck 'em, i'm gonna have a car, and i'm going to like it! one week till i leave this place for good, i'm happy, but friggin lazy and i can't get around to cleaning or even packing. this is the hardest family to live with. nothing i do is right, nothing i can do is ever good enough, i put my everything into what i do and it's not good enough, ever. i can't imagine staying here more than what i have to. tonight is going to be the longest night of my life. i'm so happy i can count the days till i leave on my fingers and toes. Current Mood: blah Current Music: norah jones (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 9th, 2005
10:10 pm	"players only love you when they're playing" my favorite lyrics from fleetwood mac. it's oh so true too. i watched desperately seeking susan, has to be one of my new favorite films. i only wish that you meet a guy and end up sleeping with him and spend a day or two with him and he bails you out of jail and gives you somewhere to sleep. it's not reality. it is a nice film, but in the end, i just get sad that nothing like that will ever happen to me. oh well. i'm so optimistic about my future. i'v changed so much since i've been here. i know what i want and i won't settle for any less. taking a year away from my life was the best thing i could have ever done for myself. and it was at such a perfect time too. i saw that i wouldn't do well in school, working all the time sucks unless you have a job where you're respected, and compromising what i want for someone else isn't cool. i'm living my life for me, selfishness is ok. i'm going to go to oklahoma and do what i need to do. i know that i have people there who will give me the tools for what i need to do. the rest is up to me. i need to go get some more tea and hopefully go to sleep tonight, insomnia sucks. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 8th, 2005
10:01 pm	random thoughts so tired. insomnia is taking over my life. for some reason i can't sleep when it's dark. I took a nap for 40 minutes this morning after the kids went to school, but it didn't help too much. Oh well. Two weeks left of this crap and I'm outta here. Three words excite me No. More. Kids. one is fine, maybe an older one like 11 and a younger one of 3 or 4, but three kids who can't do anything by themselves is going to kill me! It's been really nice lately, and I'm enjoying it. Lots of sun. Nice enough to keep my car window rolled down as I drive, reminds me of home! Thirteen days till I leave for Paris...should I be excited to leave? Heck ya, should I also be sentimental and nostalgic too, of course... Current Mood: exhausted Current Music: colors of the wind, stuck in my head (Comment on this)
Friday, February 4th, 2005
3:47 pm	i'm boring and i know it Quite a relaxing day, and the day got BETTER as it went on! Woke up FREEZING, because there was an air pocket in the fuel line, again, so no heat yesterday or last night. The kids got up and went to school semi-willingly, I didn't have my appointment with my therapist, which is a good and a bad thing, but whatever. Lazed around for a little while, decided to "attempt to start packing" so I put some books into my suitcase, forgot a lot of them so I have to re-pack them. Oh well, I don't leave for another um, eighteen days, I think I have some time. I went to the gym and worked out. I used to have a little interest in the gym instructor, but I forgot about it a long time ago, and today it kind of came back. I giggled and smiled a lot more in class than I usually do, he smiled and laughed too, I hope he wasn't laughing AT me, but WITH me, I just hope so. I know it could possible go no where, but he's still cute. I have come to the realization that I am a SLOB. I have tea cups and spoons everywhere and empty cups of yogurt every where all over my desk, I keep adding things to my desk and whenever I move my arm to move the mouse I knock things off into the "abyss" next to my desk. I'm sure whenever I clean here soon I'll find all kinds of things that I've been looking for. Also, my keypad is sticky because I was typing and eating an orange and my fingers had juice all over them so, now whenever I type, I end up smelling like I just ate an orange, not necessarily a bad thing, but it gets annoying when you put your finger in your mouth and taste day-old orange. I'm hungry, but there's nothing worth eating in this house. There's plenty of steak-haches and french fries--haha-french, french fries. (ok I'm a dork) There's also a bunch of desserts like chocolate and coffee, but know what? I REALLY don't want to gain fifteen pounds before I go home, not cool. I'm trying to lose fifteen pounds, and well on my way too. I wish that we had some romain lettuce, or some sugar-free jello, I used to live off that stuff. Sugar-free jello is Atkins friendly and I loved the shit out of it, especially the black-cherry, mmm....only a month and I'll be able to enjoy all of the foods that I've been missing since I got here. Thank GAWD my aunt doesn't do a lot of cooking, I'll be the main cooker, and we'll be eating some meat and veggies, eggs, more veggies, tofu, fish, sushi, and anything else I can get my grubby paws on that's low-carb, damn I'm so glad to be going home. I hope I can start going to a gym there, I've come to the conclusion that I would be really hot if I didn't have this layer of fat on me, I'm REALLY muscular, so if I lost some fat I wouldn't be sickly skinny, I'd have muscle and it'd be all good, but that's my dreamland, and the odds of me ever losing all of the "extra baggage" I've gained is very slim. sniff sniff, say it isn't so, say it isn't so dammit! I wanna be a size five again! alrighty enough with the self-pitty and back to reality. It's FRIDAY! YAY! I am going to sleep in tomorrow and I'm going to, well, haven't figured that one out yet, but I'm fur shur sleeping in. Um, well I'm done writing about myself and my narcissistic ways, and if anyone reads this and finds it REMOTELY interesting, I will be shocked. I gotta go because I just knocked some stuff off my desk and it sounded like it broke! Whoops! Current Mood: refreshed Current Music: Jet-Get Born (1 Comment |Comment on this)