The Window

Found!

Sat, 18 Nov 2006 00:42:20 GMT

My black slacks! My aunt made me clean my room today (more like just clear a path so I don't trip all over stuff) and they were in my little set of drawers I got from Walmart. I hate Walmart. I found a strategy, go on Halloween. I went to the one that I absolutely HATED in Houston. This Walmart is a 24 one and there are screaming kids in it constantly. C.O.N.S.T.A.N.T.L.Y. My last night in Houston I got off of work and went there to do some last-minute shopping for some crap I needed to move back to Tulsa. As soon as I walked in there and didn't trip over a wandering two year old it dawned on me, "Oh God, it's Halloween". When I finished getting all giddy I ran around and noticed people staring at me, staring. When I was half done I realized it was because I was in my work uniform and I looked like a big goober dressed like a flight attendant for Halloween.

Today I went and enrolled in school. Hopefully this time I actually go to class and do well. I talked to a guidance counselor and told her my problems from past attempts to go to school and she said that since I was paying for everything myself I may be more inclined to go to class, and to also get into some groups. If I make friends in my classes or make friends in some French club or something I may want to stick with it more. I hope I do better. Third time is the charm, so they say. OH, and I'm actually taking classes the way I want to. I got onto some "Fast Track" courses that are done in 4 weeks or 8 weeks instead of the regular 16. That sounds about right because about 10 weeks into school I usually get fed up and quit. AND some fun classes may help keep my attention.

Wed, 15 Nov 2006 23:42:06 GMT

Holy Shit. It's been a couple of years since I have pecked at this little blog of mine. I've actually quit 3 jobs, gone through 2 boyfriends and many dates. I've finally found something I'm good at, being unemployed. I dig it! Not really, but I've read several books, one author even convincing me it's ok to be unemployed, fat and angry. I've recently became angry because of my latest job. I was a flight attendant. After repeating those announcements so many times and nearly breaking an arm, rib or foot by trying to hoist that damn pressurized door open. I am done being a flight attendant. Done. Now I'm unemployed and going on my second day of reading and eating, chasing the cat and enjoying the hell out of my pajama pants.

Reasons why I didn't leave the house to get a job today:

1. it was fucking cold and windy
2. can't find my black slacks
3. the printer won't print the entire resume, just the headings (i guess i'm supposed to fill in the blanks?)
4. i'm not ready

Tom Cruise is likable in my book. He talks to fans' moms while he walks down the red carpet. How cool is that? Really. Sure he knocked up his young girlfriend, but how abnormal is that in our country? Seriously.

Oh Science, I hope I can get out of the house and go job hunting tomorrow before I spend all the money I get paid tonight.

Fri, 18 Mar 2005 00:26:58 GMT

Life is still setteling after everything. I've seen about three kids from school so far, but no one that I really want to see. I love being at my dad's house right now because the kids are on spring break and we get to hang out all day just like when we were little. My dad works weird hours so I get to see him more than normal. Today was eventful, I got to talk to one of my old best friends and as I was on the phone I was eating Vienna weiners with at tooth pick, my dog wanted on so I took a bite of one and handed him the other half on the tooth pick and he took the whole thing. By the time I dropped the phone and fell to the floor to get it out of his mouth he had already swallwed it. We called my step-mom and she came home and too him to the vet. Crazy. He's fine now, he had to have a scope done and he has to eat bland food and pumpkin puree. Poor Chewey.
My sister and I dyed our hair black. I think it looks cool, more sleek and I think I look older.
I finally went out, we went to a pool hall and played pool and after we pigged out on taco bell, mmmmmm.
It feels so good to have people here to take care of me and love me. I went to wal mart and they have nice clothes now, I would have bought this blazer for 20 bucks but I didn't have 20 bucks, but hey, I could do it when they go on sale!

Will My Life PLEASE Get Back To Normal!?!?

Sun, 06 Mar 2005 15:47:50 GMT

SO! Paris was awesome, I want to go back soon. I'm ok for now and things are falling into place as I expected them. The flight home was nice, 10 hours but there was practically nobody on the plane and I had a whole row of seats to myself and I got to take a nap. It was snowing in Paris when we left so we were an hour late leaving, meaning that I was an hour late getting to Dallas and I missed my flight because customs took too freaking long and Dallas is a big airport. I was only an hour late getting home but that's a long time when you've been flying all day and you're tired. It was amazing when we flew over Europe, we flew north from Paris and flew over England and Scotland, then turned and flew over Ireland and then I fell asleep and woke up and saw big huge blobs of white and assumed it was Canada. The thing that pissed me off was when the captain of the plane made an announcement that we were flying over Tulsa, I was like "Give me a parachute and let me go home!" but they didn't and it was another four hours before I was back.
I saw my aunt and I was so happy, she asked me what I wanted to eat for supper and I thought really hard. For the past week I had been living around the corner from KFC and I had smelled barbecue and had the strangest craving for some barbecue ribs. SO, we went to this hole in the wall barbecue place with a buffet and everything! Yes, there were about seven women that were over 300 pounds and my self-esteem was on a little big of an inflation at that point. I got to see my dad and steps, they're all doing well, I guess.
I was so jet lagged and went home and passed out, my aunt woke me up at about 730 the next morning and I stayed home all day talking on the phone and catching up on all the crap on TV I've missed in the past year. My aunt has this really rad phone plan that I can call anywhere in the US and it doesn't cost anything, she just pays one flat rate for everything, needless to say I made some random phone calls, but everyone was so happy to hear from me, I can't wait to go home to LA and see all my friends.
My dad is cool, he gave me some money and I am going to get some new clothes soon, maybe today, I don't know. He got me a car, apparently it's not what he said it was a few weeks ago, but it's a car with four wheels and it goes so do I really care? Nope! I need to talk to my dad about my relationship with my step-sister and my relationship with him. He doens't realize that I love him and her, I understand the situation between the two, and what he says to her about me, stays with me. When she goes off on her little rants about how much she hates my dad I sit there and listen, she never knows my opinion about anything. Somehow he thinks that I confide in her and tell her every little detail of my life and my opinions about everything. I don't want to be put in the middle.
So when I first got off the plane in Dallas I noticed that these people are dumb asses. When I was waiting for my bags in Tulsa, an old woman came up to my aunt and me and was telling us how she went to the governor's ball and how she got to see Cheney and all this garbage. She was decked out in Bush/Cheney crap. Me being the polite person that I was, I listened to her and just let her talk. She wasn't telling me about how great Bush is or how much she likes what he's doing to our country, so I could tolerate her. She told me how American Airlines had lost her bags and she had to go buy a new outfit for the evening and when she got home her bags were there waiting for her, she went on to say that she didn't know what shoes to wear because it was snowing so she just bought some black boots and blah...blah..blah. I got away from her and left my aunt to listen to her ramblings, then when I came back she was still there. She asked me where I had been and I said, "Paris!" She was shocked and didn't really know what to say or think but she asked me how long I had been there and what I had been doing and I gave her the whole, "About a year, nanny" thing I've worked out, and she went on to tell me that she had a friends' nieces' daughter and her husband, they were really heavyset people, but really Christian-like, and they were truck drivers and would let people live in their house for months at a time and blah...blah..blah. Oklahoma, WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING? Where do these people get their stupidity? Why can't they think? What is wrong with their heads? Oh, as I was walking around the Dallas airport I was mad because I missed my flight, I was sweaty because I had been running, and I smelled bad because I didn't take a shower before I left Paris, I was a mess, sweat pants and I was SO overdressed. When we left Paris it was snowing, I was wearing two shirts a long sleeved shirt, sweatshirt, scarf and I had a big coat with me. In Dallas it was about 75 and sunny. So I'm going up these stairs, I decided to walk up them because I needed the exercise, and this man, about 50 years old 100 pounds with a nasty cowboy hat, all I heard him say was "..as in, you're a 10" and if he only knew how sexy I felt at that moment, actually, I don't think that it was in his capacity to know how I felt at that moment, so nevermind. REDNECKS BUG ME!
Not to brag or anything, but I know that I am more intelligent than half of the population here in Tulsa, and I have more class than the population too, sure I'm a dork, but these people are ridiculously RETARDED!
Right now I'm going to go eat some chocolate gravy and biscuits and visit with my redneck family...and it's beautiful here! Going to be about 75 today and guess what!! I'm barefoot and my feet are dirty! I love it!!

fin

Sun, 27 Feb 2005 17:55:32 GMT

Ok, long long, hecktic week behind me. Packing and re-packing all of my belongings. Broke the computer at home, I`m not going to say anything about it now because maybe I don`t have to get yelled at before I leave the country....at this point, I really don`t care! I saw the Mona Lisa and various other pieces of art in the Louvre, I walked all over old Paris for two days and hardly ate anything, so now my pants fit! yay! They look funny, but at least I can zip them up! I saw a post card in Les Halles with Marilyn Monroe`s picture on it, the same as my icon, too poor to buy it , but it`s all good. I think tomorrow I have to work but that`s cool it`s the last day I`ll be with the family and I kind of want to be with them knowing the next time I`m with them will be in a few YEARS, not days or weeks. I don`t know where the family is today, but I don`t care, I`m in the flat and I`m warm! I met my friend from myspace, it was weird and he`s all weirded out now, he told me to keep calling him but I tore his number up and threw it down the toilet, I`m done chasing guys, I sent him my number at the flat, if he wants to see me, he can call me. I keep falling in love with my Red Hot Chili Peppers cd, every time I put it on I love it and don`t get tired of it....some random thoughts there! It`s been snowing here in Paris like crazy, it only stuck once, but it was enough for me to know what Paris was like in the snow, absolutely gorgeous! I talked to one of Isabelle`s friends who is in NA here in Paris and she`s going to help me get into a program for me when I get to Oklahoma, that`s really what I want and need, some sort of support so that I can help myself. Sometimes when you think there`s nothing there for you something comes right out of the blue and reaches you...didn`t mean for that to rhyme, it just did. I`m going to have dinner with some friends Tuesday and Wednesday nights so that`s nice, at least I`ll see people after the family leaves. This is it, this is what I wanted and I got it, start to finish, and I really can`t believe it`s over.

gotta love this guy

Sat, 19 Feb 2005 15:43:44 GMT

"Listen, first of all, you never want a president to say 'never.' But military action is certainly not — it's never the president's first choice," he said. "Diplomacy is always the president's first — at least my first choice."

president potatoe-head himself!!!!

Mr. Moore can add that to his list of Bushisms

Sat, 19 Feb 2005 15:40:22 GMT

things i have done instead of packing:

cut my hair
painted my toe nails
shaved my legs, and other various parts of my body that needed it
played on the computer
wrote four e-mails
stressed over a phone number i found

i am SO procarastinating...or unmotivated

my future doggie

http://puppydogweb.com/caninebreeds/papillons.htm

am i over it???

Sat, 19 Feb 2005 12:00:07 GMT

while packing i found a piece of paper i thought i threw away about a year ago...i thought i cut all contact from me to him, but apparently i didn't have the guts to do it. now i'm glad i'm moving to oklahoma and not going to back to LA, or i would actually use that number. i have to ask myself, am i really over it? could i throw that paper away and be happy with myself now? i don't know, i still would like to see him when i go back to LA, just to kick it for a little while, knowing that nothing will happen between us anymore. i tried just being friends and hanging out like one of the guys, but when another girl comes over and i hear the words he used to say to me, just causes way too much sorrow inside than i'd like to bare anymore. i could always call his friends or just show up at my old work, just showing my face around town will make people talk, or maybe i will run into him and we'll have a nice talk. maybe i'm stressing way too much about this. i'm keeping the paper knowing that i will want to see him when i go back to LA this summer. just to see his face and see what his life has been like since i've left, not that me leaving would affect his life in any way, but i would like to think that he thought about me at least once since i've been gone. if there ever was a person i could have loved it would have been him...if only he knew.

thinking about this way way too much and i think i'm done.

i'm still keeping the paper

i would agree

Sat, 19 Feb 2005 09:10:13 GMT

Your Brain is 60.00% Female, 40.00% Male

Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female

You are both sensitive and savvy

Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed

But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve

What Gender Is Your Brain?

stupid drunk love

Fri, 18 Feb 2005 18:27:04 GMT

ok, so the woman i live with just went off on me about how france has the best way of life in the world, and i just stood there and took it. all because i was bitching about not being able to cash my check. that's something that's been forbidden here in france apparently. whatever, it just adds another reason why i'm glad to be going home and getting away from these people who like fanny packs and little bitch cars. ok yes i'm bitter, only slightly.

my lovely experience with my drunken love. last summer i met one of my host families friends, nicolas. The first time I met him was about three days after I had gotten into the village and everything was still new to me. He came up to me and gave me kisses, one on each cheeck, something that was completely foreign to me at this time. His confidence took me in, he's a slightly cocky fucker, he drives a nice car and everyone knows who he is and he knows mostly everyone, well everyone who's worth knowing. His family was born and bred in Castets and I personally don't see him leaving any time soon either. I met him and we talked what we could, him speaking no English and me speaking no French we enjoyed a few awkward silences and glasses of rum. One night he offered to take me to the movies because my host dad had gotten free tickets to the movies for some reason. I got to enjoy The Day After Tomorrow in French, not only was it a horrible movie, it was even worse not knowing what the hell they were saying, but I ate my peanut M&Ms and drank my diet Coke like a champ and didn't sleep a wink. (there were some scenes shot in my town i lived in in California and I kept trying to explain that was where I lived in California, but he didn't understand) Secretly, I wanted him to kiss me or make out with me, just so I'd get some action, but it never happened. To make matters for me slightly worse, I overheard him talking on his cell phone to a girl who he told he loved her. So, my idea of how to end the perfect night were slightly bummed. I think I think about sex more than men do, because if men can think about sex more than me, that's fucking nuts. After the film we sat outside and talked with my host dad for a while listening to music and talking about random things, he offered to take me to a concert or two or to the beach, whatever. Weeks passed and I never heard from him. I assumed he was happy with his girlfriend and had no interest in me, then one night out of the blue he called me and invited me to a pool party. I was stoked! I got all prettied up and brought my camera, yes there are pictures of that horrible night, and he came to get me, it was great. We started drinking, I was going light, I didn't want to over do anything and make an ass out of myself, but then there was this game. I had only had about two maybe three beers, and this game, it was so intriguing. With a pack of cigarettes you flip and if it lands a certain way you drink, if it lands a certain way you choose someone to drink, if it lands another way you flip again, and if it lands standing straight up you choose someone to drink their full glass. I was so good at this game, I was making everyone drink, and drink, a chunk of time passed, (couldn't tell you how long, I was drunk) then some boy poured me a drink, a French drink, called Ricard. That was the drink that ended my night. It tastes a little like licorice and a lot like, "holy shit this stuff's going to make me puke!" Just after he poured my drink I heard people shouting, "Oh, NO!" I looked up and saw the pack of cigarettes standing straight up and all eyes on me. Even being drunk I knew what was ahead of me, I knew that I was chosen to drink my cup without having to be told. Now, where was my dear friend Nicolas at this time? Well, he dropped me off at the party, kind of. He was off in some field talking on his cell phone to his girlfriend in Paris. I had made a few friends at the party, Jess, a pretty girl with pink hair and a matching pink shirt, she was about sixteen, I guess. Sandra, who had bright red hair and a hook nose, and big boobs and told dirty jokes, and Sarah, who was beautiful and dressed in the nicest, most stylish clothes at the party. Where were they when I had to drink? Well, they said that I didn't have to drink, but everyone else was insisting that I drink, even knowing what I had in my cup. Being the dumbass that I am, I chugged. Everything is still foggy after that, another chunk of time passed and my friend Nicolas came back. All of a sudden all the boys stripped naked and jumped into the pool. I caught a glimpse or two more than what I wanted, but hey, I learned that they don't circumcise in France! Anyway, somehow I vaguely remember music, then wait, was I...dancing? Yes, sadly enough, Shelley got asked to dance by the charming Nicolas, and all I can remember is saying that I can't feel my legs and boom! I was flat on my back stuck between some pool chairs. Ok, I brushed myself off and sat back down and continued to drink. Vodka, rum, whiskey, more beer, oh, and I smoked, remember that pack of cigarettes? Well, I smoked them all, non-smoker here, and I smoked about a full pack Marlboro reds. There was some talk about going to a night club just about forty-five minutes away. I was SO down! Dunk and all, I wanted to go dancing (and if anyone has ever seen me dance, it's a cross between the "Carlton" and what they did in the 80s). Once we got into the car, I saw a whole nother side of Nicolas. I sat in the back on the left and he was in the middle. He put his hand on my thigh and kept it there. When he got out and went to get his money from the bank, I moved to the middle and he was in the back left. Once we were rolling again, he was all over me. The music was loud and he leaned over and kissed me, or maybe I kissed him, who knows, but we were making out all the way there. Once we got to the club he was still all over me, dancing with me and kissing me. I got really nauseous and ran to the bathroom and puked, yup, I puked and I felt better, all I wanted was to go home and go to bed, but the best I could do was go to the car. I made my sad little way out of the bathroom and told everyone I wanted to lie down in the car. So, I went alone to the car and before I knew it, who's in the car with me? Nicolas, yes he decided that we weren't done quite yet. We kissed even more and then he asked me to stay with him for the night, he'd get me home in the morning and we could stay in his apartment alone...what did I say? umm...no, thank you. I told him I knew that he had a girlfriend and I wanted nothing to do with a guy that had a girlfriend. As far as I can remember that's what I said. It may not have been in French, and it may not have been in English, but I mumbeled something that should have resembled that. He told me I was a "good girl" which translates to "good fuck" and I left it at that because he wasn't telling me anything I didn't already know. That was the last I remember of him being like that with me. He was kind of a cocky jerk the next few times I saw him and he introduced me to a lot of his friends who just wanted to fuck me, so needless to say my love/sex life in France has blown major balls, no romance for me. As for the morning after, well it was a Friday, and I woke up at about 10am, the kids had to be at school at 9am and the mother took care of it all giving me my half day a day early. I was hurting that day, and even right now the smell of Ricard makes me wanna barf!

This is one of the funniest nights I've ever reflected on, I just hope the people who spent that night with me think it's a funny as I do.

i love these things

Thu, 17 Feb 2005 21:28:59 GMT

Your Love Number is

1

You tend to be a stubborn lover, holding your ground in every argument
You take your time falling in love. You aren't the type to lose perspective.
You are loyal (to a fault), and you require the same loyalty in your sweetheart.
At your best, you are a wise and inspiring partner - who sticks around.

What Is Your Love Number?

my dream

Thu, 17 Feb 2005 16:46:43 GMT

i just woke up from a really long nap. it was kinda nice even with the construction just next to my window. at one point i was in a house with my dad and he was telling me about my mom being in jail, and he wanted to know how much she owed in fines and how much her bail was, i told him to just leave her there because she'd never learn her lesson unless she hits rock bottom, everyone always helps her out and she just goes right back to where she was. after i had made my point my dad started telling me a story of when he was in jail, and he got really emotional, i told my step brother and sister to leave the room that it was none of their business. they got all pissed but left. then my dad and i went out to the back of the house and were talking and all of a sudden he's in this black dance outfit with a skirt and everything, he had nice legs, but that's beside the point, my dad was wearing women's clothes! so i kind of listen to him, kind of think about something else, that's normal for when my dad gives me lectures and talks. i walked around to the front of the house and went in through the front door and i see a car pull up, a skinny blond girl in a purple dress runs in the house and i didn't recgonize it before, but it's my sister. i was so overwhelmed from my dad talking to me and talking about my mom in jail that once her arms were around me and i had my face safely buried in her hair i started crying. i woke up and was crying. it was so so strange. my dad, the black dance outfit, my sister, my mom, everything was so clear and so strange.

my head in the clouds

Thu, 17 Feb 2005 12:25:26 GMT

on the way home i was watching the old couple in the car behind me. they were arguing about something, and it was really funny. the woman was being very dramatic waving her arms and i could tell she was yelling, the man just sat there and stared straight ahead. when she'd make a point he'd agree with he'd make a face, then when she'd say something he'd disagree with he'd make another face. ocasionally he would say a sentence or two, but it was the woman who dominated the "discussion". i could tell on the man's face that this wasn't the first time he'd lost an argument and it wasn't going to be his last, so he kind of just gave up. it was really sad to see a man who was once a boy or a young man my age and so full of fight and spunk, go down like that to a little five foot woman. i guess that's what love does to someone, wears them raw on the inside and out, ok that wasn't meant to be gross, but hey, that's what love does? i just hope that i can find a man willing enough to put up with my shit till either he dies or i die. one day.

so so so bored

Wed, 16 Feb 2005 17:19:52 GMT

bored bored, friggedy frickin bored.

nothing to do, kids are playing, i have a half an hour before they need a shower so i have nothing to do but sit here on my butt and write this. norah jones is good. so freaking bored. i want to take a nap, really no, i want to just go to bed. fill in my little log of things i did, or didn't do, or did and i shouldn't have done and just close out the world and sleep. that is the best way to pass time. yes, yes it surely is.

i can't wait till i go home. life here i come. i looked at dogs online and i decided i want a papillon. my friend's mom had one and they seem to be alright dogs. fairly smart, calm sometimes and lovey. i don't want a little bitchy dog or a chihuahua those things bug me, but i want a dog and i can't have a dog bigger than 20 pounds if i want to live in an apartment. i thought about getting a cat, but i want someone i can take to the park or walking with me sometimes, cat's aren't really down with putting on a leash and going out for a little stroll and meeting other dogs. i dig the little dog. i have had a name picked out for a while for a little dog, for a girl lilly would be my name of choice and for a boy roman, but either of these are subject to change if the dog just looks like a ralph or sam, know what i mean? but i really like the name lilly and roman, but if i use one of these then later on in life if i have a son and i still like the name roman, what do i do? name the kid after the dog? oh well, i'm not even into buying the dog yet or having kids, i'm just in dreaming mode. i wish i already had a little apartment. i can't wait to decorate it and pick out furniture and plates and curtains. i'm so ready to have a say in what the house looks like and how it's all decorated. i want to be on my own and have my own territory, oh soon so so soon! i read about how celebrities my age and younger have their own apartments and houses and they get to decorate it all, sparing no expenses. i wish that were my situation. i'd get pottery barn or laura ashley to just come in and decorate the place. i think i'm going to enjoy my life on my own. i have had so much drama wherever i've lived, no matter where i go it always seems to happen, divorces, separations, new girlfriends, new kids. i'd like a little bit of consistency for once, just me and a little animal, no men. i want to live alone and find out who i am and what i want. i know what i want, i know who i am right now, but i still need to grow up before i start thinking about living with someone. one of my cousins lives with her boyfriend, they're eighteen or nineteen, i think that's too young because now there's no boundaries in the relationship, and if the relationship goes sour, what are they to do? i'll let a man move in with me or i'll talk about sharing an apartment with a man when there's talk of marriage, before then, well, it's not going to happen. i am so bored i daydream about moving out and having dogs and boyfriends and boyfriends who talk about marriage. my head has moved forward, but my body is stuck in this miserable village with nothing to do.

oh will i miss it?

Tue, 15 Feb 2005 15:06:39 GMT

I don't know if I'm actually going to be able to update or think much for the next few days, so I'm going to do a list of the top things I'm going to miss about being here, in France...

1) Nothing working, and generic French brands that break after three to six months

2) Not worrying about getting pulled over for speeding

3) Speaking French

4) The milk and yogurt, so good and creamy!

3) Euros

4) Waking up every morning and going, "Holy shit! I'm in FRANCE! WTF!?!"

5) Everyone calling me Lee Lee, apparently Shelley is too hard to say

6) All six channels on the TV, most of which I have never watched

7) Not knowing what the signs and lights mean while driving, and running random red lights

That's all I can think of right now, but I'm going to miss a lot once I get back. One thing I'm not going to miss is living with these people any more. I will miss each person individually, but this family is not meant for me. They have brought out the worst in me and I'm really tired of them. Too much going behind other people's backs and saying that other people are wrong just because they're different. I have no respect in this house, so I'm going to be on my way.

Mon, 14 Feb 2005 19:58:06 GMT

The summer days are gone too soon
You shoot the moon
And miss completely
And now you're left to face the gloom
The empty room that once smelled sweetly
Of all the flowers you plucked if only
You knew the reason
Why you had to each be lonely
Was it just the season?

Now the fall is here again
You can't begin to give in
It's all over

When the snows come rolling through
You're rolling too with some new lover
Will you think of times you've told me
That you knew the reason
Why we had to each be lonely
It was just the season

i'm sad i don't have a valentine, i'm sad that i've never had a valentine, but it's not as sad as i feel knowing that i've never had a love on any other day of the year

i don't know what i think of when i sing this song, past or present, but it's very fitting for how i've felt here lately

i guess i'm going to bed with my new norah jones cd, and nothing else, maybe next year will be better

poo poo on days like this, things are getting out of hand and i need to start trying to control them again. don't know what to do, but i'll figure something out. i hope this isn't as bad as i think, but who knows.

just realized someone came into my room today and cleared the dirty dishes from my desk, don't know if i should be thankful or embarrassed that i'm so messy. oh well, i just won't think anything about it, they just better stay the fuck away from my other shit! grrrr! my room, my mess, my business!

Mon, 14 Feb 2005 18:06:19 GMT

another weekend passed, one more to go. i still feel like a damn prisoner in my home. i want to do whatever i want, but i'm forced to worry about what the mom thinks while i'm on the computer or just in my room while the kids are playing. they're just fine, and my games aren't as entertaining as whenever they play by themselves. i do play with them, but it's hard whenever they're already into a game and i come into the room and try to fit into their game, somehow it doesn't work. so, i stay away keeping an eye on them and an eye on the clock so i get them into the shower on time. i'm so tired. i had a long day, but it was nice. nice food, nice people. monday down, let's see about how i can get tuesday over with, once i get past wednesday, i'm going to start shitting myself realizing that i have four days left and i need to start packing my stuff. i have a long laundry list of things to do, and i'm procrastinating till the very end. today as i was driving i realized i needed gas, being the dumbass that i am, i had left my purse and credit card at home meaning, i'm fucked if i run out of gas, luckilly i didn't run out, i'm knocking on some wood and thanking the universe for all my luck. i have a headache due to the fact i'm taking myself off of my honey diet...sad, yes, but i really need to cut back my sugar intake if i want to lose the ten pounds before i go. i ran a mile and a half today, yay! i'm absolutely crazy and i'm going to meet one of my online friends. never met someone from the computer before, this is going to be interesting. we're going to meet in paris at starbucks...i figure it's safe, and if i end up not liking the situation it'll be crowded and there's bound to be other americans there that can help me out, i think things are going to be just fine though, he seems respectable enough. if i end up disappearing, that's just my luck, but i feel alright about doing this. oh well. you only live once, right. i found out i'm not getting my step-mom's car, but another car, a fucking honda accord, what are the odds, the car that i hated because of all the bad experiences i've had with hondas and accords, fuck 'em, i'm gonna have a car, and i'm going to like it! one week till i leave this place for good, i'm happy, but friggin lazy and i can't get around to cleaning or even packing.
this is the hardest family to live with. nothing i do is right, nothing i can do is ever good enough, i put my everything into what i do and it's not good enough, ever. i can't imagine staying here more than what i have to. tonight is going to be the longest night of my life. i'm so happy i can count the days till i leave on my fingers and toes.

Wed, 09 Feb 2005 21:26:31 GMT

"players only love you when they're playing" my favorite lyrics from fleetwood mac. it's oh so true too. i watched desperately seeking susan, has to be one of my new favorite films. i only wish that you meet a guy and end up sleeping with him and spend a day or two with him and he bails you out of jail and gives you somewhere to sleep. it's not reality. it is a nice film, but in the end, i just get sad that nothing like that will ever happen to me. oh well. i'm so optimistic about my future. i'v changed so much since i've been here. i know what i want and i won't settle for any less. taking a year away from my life was the best thing i could have ever done for myself. and it was at such a perfect time too. i saw that i wouldn't do well in school, working all the time sucks unless you have a job where you're respected, and compromising what i want for someone else isn't cool. i'm living my life for me, selfishness is ok. i'm going to go to oklahoma and do what i need to do. i know that i have people there who will give me the tools for what i need to do. the rest is up to me. i need to go get some more tea and hopefully go to sleep tonight, insomnia sucks.

random thoughts

Tue, 08 Feb 2005 21:12:17 GMT

so tired. insomnia is taking over my life. for some reason i can't sleep when it's dark. I took a nap for 40 minutes this morning after the kids went to school, but it didn't help too much. Oh well. Two weeks left of this crap and I'm outta here. Three words excite me No. More. Kids. one is fine, maybe an older one like 11 and a younger one of 3 or 4, but three kids who can't do anything by themselves is going to kill me!

It's been really nice lately, and I'm enjoying it. Lots of sun. Nice enough to keep my car window rolled down as I drive, reminds me of home!

Thirteen days till I leave for Paris...should I be excited to leave? Heck ya, should I also be sentimental and nostalgic too, of course...

i'm boring and i know it

Fri, 04 Feb 2005 15:16:27 GMT

Quite a relaxing day, and the day got BETTER as it went on! Woke up FREEZING, because there was an air pocket in the fuel line, again, so no heat yesterday or last night. The kids got up and went to school semi-willingly, I didn't have my appointment with my therapist, which is a good and a bad thing, but whatever. Lazed around for a little while, decided to "attempt to start packing" so I put some books into my suitcase, forgot a lot of them so I have to re-pack them. Oh well, I don't leave for another um, eighteen days, I think I have some time. I went to the gym and worked out. I used to have a little interest in the gym instructor, but I forgot about it a long time ago, and today it kind of came back. I giggled and smiled a lot more in class than I usually do, he smiled and laughed too, I hope he wasn't laughing AT me, but WITH me, I just hope so. I know it could possible go no where, but he's still cute. I have come to the realization that I am a SLOB. I have tea cups and spoons everywhere and empty cups of yogurt every where all over my desk, I keep adding things to my desk and whenever I move my arm to move the mouse I knock things off into the "abyss" next to my desk. I'm sure whenever I clean here soon I'll find all kinds of things that I've been looking for. Also, my keypad is sticky because I was typing and eating an orange and my fingers had juice all over them so, now whenever I type, I end up smelling like I just ate an orange, not necessarily a bad thing, but it gets annoying when you put your finger in your mouth and taste day-old orange. I'm hungry, but there's nothing worth eating in this house. There's plenty of steak-haches and french fries--haha-french, french fries. (ok I'm a dork) There's also a bunch of desserts like chocolate and coffee, but know what? I REALLY don't want to gain fifteen pounds before I go home, not cool. I'm trying to lose fifteen pounds, and well on my way too. I wish that we had some romain lettuce, or some sugar-free jello, I used to live off that stuff. Sugar-free jello is Atkins friendly and I loved the shit out of it, especially the black-cherry, mmm....only a month and I'll be able to enjoy all of the foods that I've been missing since I got here. Thank GAWD my aunt doesn't do a lot of cooking, I'll be the main cooker, and we'll be eating some meat and veggies, eggs, more veggies, tofu, fish, sushi, and anything else I can get my grubby paws on that's low-carb, damn I'm so glad to be going home. I hope I can start going to a gym there, I've come to the conclusion that I would be really hot if I didn't have this layer of fat on me, I'm REALLY muscular, so if I lost some fat I wouldn't be sickly skinny, I'd have muscle and it'd be all good, but that's my dreamland, and the odds of me ever losing all of the "extra baggage" I've gained is very slim. sniff sniff, say it isn't so, say it isn't so dammit! I wanna be a size five again! alrighty enough with the self-pitty and back to reality. It's FRIDAY! YAY! I am going to sleep in tomorrow and I'm going to, well, haven't figured that one out yet, but I'm fur shur sleeping in. Um, well I'm done writing about myself and my narcissistic ways, and if anyone reads this and finds it REMOTELY interesting, I will be shocked. I gotta go because I just knocked some stuff off my desk and it sounded like it broke! Whoops!

me bitching

Wed, 02 Feb 2005 13:07:27 GMT

Only one thing to bitch about, well, two. The little girl I watch is a little brat, every time you correct her and try to tell her she's doing something that's not ok, she hides her face and screeches, even if it's something simple like, sit down or get that out of your mouth. I started punishing her to her room whenever she did it to me and she stopped. Now, she's started again with me. The yesterday, out of the blue, she did it and I tried to punish her, her dad went to her and hugged her and made everything all right. Today, a repeat of what happened yesterday; she screams tells me no and I send her to her room, and she cries like I've beaten the holy hell out of her (I didn't but it's very tempting sometimes) the dad immediately got out of the shower and coddled her and was all nice with her. I told him she was punished and he said, "You can't punish her every day, it's not possible!" Me on the other hand SHOULD have retaliated in saying, "You weren't there, you don't know and I will punish her every day if she is bad and disobeys every day." I am really irritated because he told me this in front of her, so now she knows that she can't be punished every day, and if I try to punish her for the same thing. Raising kids is a team effort between the parents, it isn't "No I tell you how to do that, and you tell me what to do" and so on, it is planned out and decided on everything so that the parents are like barriers and nothing slips through unnoticed. One day the oldest was punished to his room for the afternoon because he was marking on the antique fruniture, he didn't get lunch or an afternoon snack. The mom snuck him up some food and chocolate milk behind the dad's back, I was thoroughly disgusted. Only because the son thinks so lowly of the father to begin with, and after that, it just gets worse, and all of that could have been solved fairly easily if the mom would have told the father, "Hey, I don't like that he can't eat anything, he didn't eat breakfast, maybe compromise and he can eat alone and not talk to anyone and then go back to his room" but there is NO communication in this family WHATSOEVER, so they're fucked. Anyway, I'm leaving this family in 26 days so I'm not going to worry about it all too much, just keep everything in mind for when I start having kids. My other complaint, well I forgot it, but I'm tired so it's really unimportant I guess. I'm just going to go take a nap. Wednesdays suck. O! I have extra money!

100 Things about me

Tue, 01 Feb 2005 22:26:05 GMT

1. I am left handed

2. I can pick things up with my toes

3. I have lived in one of the most rural parts of the US and one of the most populus parts of the US

4. I have never felt love, but have been in lust many, many times, and can't say I don't like it

5. I have drank everything set before me at a party, then later puked my brains out in a Disco and passed out in some random person's car...

6. I lived in France and never ate frog legs or snails

7. I used to smash snails with a hammer when I was little

8. This is the second time I am writing this because a little kid wondered what the red light was on the power switch

9. I have good table manners

10. I have smaller hands than most people I meet, and I usually point it out

11. I can make my small hands into a fist and put it into my mouth, and I usually point this out, too

12. I have never had a steady relationship

13. I am not superstitious

14. I have never lost a close friend, family member or pet

15. I have been addicted to the internet sence I was thirteen

16. My mom does more drugs than you

17. I was traumatized by my bunk bed when I was three

18. I have lived with a total of 6 kids I would concider siblings, only one of them being blood related

19. I am a dumb ass and don't see that changing any time soon

20. My day isn't complete unless I check my e-mail at least three times

21. I can knit and sew, and I like it

22. I like the US, but hate most of the people who live there

23. Shopping makes me nervous, but I constantly do it anyway

24. I have better judgement that most people expect

25. Driving is really fun, but I'm really bad at it

26. Tea with honey is my favorite thing to drink, ever

27. I love hats, but don't have a hat face

28. When I was four I wore cowboy boots and a dress to a Christmas party and have pictures of me on Santa's lap with my boots

29. I love my dad, a lot

30. My first CDs ever bought for me were Hanson and the Spice Girls, I promtly ran to Wal*Mart and exchanged them for Live and Creed, not much better huh?

31. I love to cook and not use measuring utencils

32. I don't go to church, but talk to God a lot

33. I usually have nice things to say about everyone

34. I'm a really bad liar

35. I am going to spend a year in solitary confinement with a long list of books to read, and I WILL read them

36. My eyesight has gradually gotten worse since I was twelve

37. I have a crazy scar on my arm just above the wrist that looks like I tried to kill myslef, but actually an iron burnt the shit out of me when it fell onto my arm unexpectedly

38. I have lots of jewelery and make up and perfume, but I never have time to think about putting any of it on

39. I have had two cars in my lifetime, a gold '84 Toyota Camry and a gold '85 Toyota Camry

40. For three years I was convinced I was Dorothy from the Wizard of OZ (age 4-7, ask my mom or any of my teachers)

41. I can't sit still through a movie, I have to get up to check the computer or get something to drink, then pee, most of the time I fall asleep

42. I hate painting my nails any color except clear

43. I have an opinion about everything, and I usually don't mind stating it

44. I'm a dog person, dogs are like little kids that never grow up

45. I have questioned my sexuality. Yes, still straight

46. I like to go to baseball games at least three times a year because I like to hear the Star Spangled Banner and Take Me Out To The Ballgame

47. I love taking naps

48. In high school I never went to school, I really don't know how I graduated

49. I'm too nice sometimes

50. I like when, at noon, I can say I've been up for six hours, but at 6am I am hating life

51. I have never told a good joke

52. I somehow always collect really good people and really bad people as friends too, and usually neglect the good people for the bad

53. I am messy

54. I have had reacurring dreams of being on sinking ships, including, but not only the Titanic

55. Any boy I have ever liked has known it, this has lead to several humiliating experiences

56. I like enchaladas way too much

57. I'm never fully awake in the morning until I brush my teeth

58. I'm not sure I want kids, and that doesn't bother me

59. My feet don't smell

60. I have aspirations of living in London, Hawaii and New York one day

61. I have owned every Britney Spears CD

62. I talk a lot

63. I get really bummed out when I miss out on little things, but I get overly excited over good little things too

64. The first time I saw Farenheight 9/11 I cried

65. Coffee is good only when it's strong

67. My eariliest childhood memory is playing in my blow up pool in my Coca-Cola bathing suit

68. My mom has told me several time that if I would have been born before my sister, I would have been an only child. I think I was a difficult child...

69. I hate wearing shoes

70. I am horrible at spelling and it really bothers me

71. I am bound to lose everything placed in my hand, but I will eventually give up looking for it and sit down and look around and find it unexpectedly

72. I know how to make time fly on long car trips or flights...sleep

73. I honk at people who take too long to go at green lights

74. I believe the grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side

75. I am my own worst critic, and I like it like that

76. Nice guys usually creep me out

77. I envy girls who have nicer bodies than me

78. I went through a Marilyn Manson phase when I was 13, I'm SO glad that didn't stick, black lipstick just isn't cool

79. I've never had a New Year's kiss

80. I have been known to pee my pants while laughing too hard

81. I have been fired from one job, because I went to Disneyland instead of working, whoops!

82. I have a dog named Chewey, well had, he's my step-mom's now

83. Last time I went to church I got a rash, apparently I'm allergic to palm leaves

84. I firmly believe that birthdays and Christmas should not be celebrated lightly

85. I am HIGHLY tickelish

86. My favorite quote, ever is "I wanna sail around the world just because it's fucking round" by Bradley Nowell

87. If I never get married I won't be sad

88. I killed a bird while in driver's training, the damn thing flew into my headlights. I was upset, my instructor laughed.

89. I prefer my brown hair to any other color

90. Thinking about going into the military scares the shit out of me

91. I used to own a hedgehog, he didn't like me at all

92. I think I talk about myself too much, and tend to ask people stupid questions to make up for it

93. For once in my life I'm not looking for a boyfriend

94. I don't watch TV much but when I do, I am a total vegitable for the day

95. I could live a very happy life shut away with only a computer and an unlimited credit card

96. I liked driving through the LA airport with my friend Adam before everything was closed down because of all the terrorist threats

97. I have a nice freckle on my right butt cheek

98. I think it adds character to my postierior

99. I am not scared about my future or how my life is going to turn out

100. That was easier than I thought it was going to be

random thoughts

Mon, 31 Jan 2005 12:10:00 GMT

The gods are smiling down on me AGAIN! I did have a long talk with God last night. Maybe that has something to do with it, but I don't know. I asked her to bless my aunt and my dad and take care of my grandma who's been sick for a while and isn't getting better. Every month it's something new. In September she got cancer on her tongue and in October they operated. November her heart was bothering her again and she had to get an MRI and then she told me in December that her insurance won't cover her little cancer problem from September and October, so she's about $60,000 in debt. Now, she has problems with her side, a few years ago she had some bile ducts not draining properly and had to get a tube put in her side to relieve them, so she thinks she might have to get the tube back. She hated that by the way. So, that was my thoughts last night before bed, Dear God, thank you for life and everything I have and don't appreciate enough, please take care of Aunt Joycie and help her get better (he has bronchitis and a sinus infection) take care of dad and help him whenever he needs strength, and take care of Grandma because she's really sick. So this morning I get home from the gym and there's MOVIES! in my house! And not just any movies we have Pirates of the FREAKING Caribbean! So, I'm going to be watching that as soon as I finish my thoughts for right now. I also bought honey, vanilla tea (which is the shit, by the way) and yogurt...I'm SO losing the last 15 pounds before I go...five down fifteen to go! I was thinking about dying my hair black, but I don't know. I'm not a hipster or a punk, I don't own a pair of chucks, but it's been on my "need to buy" list for some time now, I did own some Dickies back in the day, but they were red so that automatically makes me a dork. I'm afraid that if I do it, I'll seriously regret it and then ruin my hair bleaching it and dying it back a shade of brown that's not mine, or dying it an liking it, but looking like a total poser because it's not me, kind of like the tongue ring thing, only this is my HAIR, when people look at me they'll notice it really fast, tongue rings can be concealed fairly easily, but hair, you're kinda outta luck, so if I fuck it up, I'm fucked. So my thought for right now is I'm going to wait a few months if I still want it after, let me say, Memorial day, I'll do it, but if it's just a phase I'll be glad I waited. Summer time's always a good time to do crazy shit anyway.
I have realized that the MOST STRESSFUL thing in the world is an unreliable alarm clock. Believe me on this one. I heart sleep, and when my sleep isn't disturbed by my music playing, but by my wandering mind about what time it is, I get really stressed, for 3 reasons: 1) I can't see my alarm clock because I don't sleep in my contacts anymore so I have to get up and walk across the room only to realize that it's not 7:30 but 4:30am, which blows; 2) the woman I live with will get up at 7:59 and wake me up if I'm not up and brushing my teeth, which is SUPER stressful because I somehow absorb her stress when she's stressed which makes me 3x as stressed as a NORMAL human being should be; and 3) I purposely set my alarm clock to go off to a CD that will make me smile in the morning, and when I wake up to "Oh my God, what time is it" instead of Michelle Branch or Jason Mraz, I'm immediately irritated.

Other things that piss me off:
Four year old's who can't dress themselves
Nine year olds who cry when their bedroom light is turned on to wake them up
People who drive too slow
People who don't go when the light turns green and force me to honk at them and look like an impatient dick
Smelly People
Bread or any kind of carbs, for that matter
Men who feel it is necessary to wear shorter shorts than women, oh, by the way I saw some guys balls today in the gym, not very pretty
People who don't clean up after themself, but feel the need to clean up after other people and bitch about it
Stray Hairs, particularly when they're in my ass crack or in my bra

That's about all I can think of for now, but I thought they were pretty accurate.

brain stimulation

Sun, 30 Jan 2005 18:55:33 GMT

I'm done thinking about politics and war for now, although I am going to go back and edit that entry because I forgot some stuff and make it better. If I'm going to write about something important I should care about the quality of my important thought...if that makes sense.
I had an interesting dream about dogs last night. I got a new dog for Christmas and I named him Rocko, from Rocko's Modern Life, remember that cartoon with Mr. Bighead? Good times, kind of like an early version of Sponge Bob, but in Australia. Anyway, totally derailing, I had this random dream about my dad and me and my step-mom and my cute little doggy, he was so cute! It just makes me excited to go home and get a little dog. Speaking of going home, something that I NEVER talk about! I talked to my dad today and he's just as big of a dork as he can be! He really doesn't want me to live with him, and I really don't want to live with either, so at least we can agree on ONE thing, we're not living together, ever, ever again. Yup, he's going into a nursing home at the first signs of bodily deteriotation, I mean it! Sure I'll sell his house so he can go into a nice one with pretty nurses, but he's SO going to a nursing home, once again off track, he's only 42, he's got a few more miles in him before I need to seriously think about it. BACK on track, I talked to my aunt, not the one who bought me a plane ticket, but another one, I have four aunts...the Glenda the Good Aunt of the North, Linda the Wicked Aunt of the West, Brenda the Sweet Aunt of the South, and Sandy the Nice (but will talk behind your back the minute you are gone) Aunt of the East, respectively. Seriously, I DO have an aunt named Glenda and she lives the farthest north, and my most wicked aunt lives in the west, I kind of embellished about the others, but who really cares. That's it, four aunts Glenda, Linda, Brenda and Sandy...I love them all! I'm going to live with Brenda, but we call her Joycie because it's her middle name and she prefers it. I'm really excited to live with her, I may not live there for too long but it will be nice, she and I have always gotten along, and she and I kind of match, we're sort of messy and that's ok.
I was thinking again today, it's scary, I know, but after this experience here in France I really don't want kids, I know I'm going to be looking at this in about ten years and crying with either an empty lonely house, or a house full of rugrats and wondering "where did I go wrong?" but that's not the point. My point was, sometimes it's in your genes to have a big family, just like it's in your genes to be an addict, depressed, actor, or be gay, debatable but maybe. Is it in your genes to just not want kids? I know those people out there are rare who don't want kids, but it makes sense. All the people who didn't want kids, didn't have kids, so the genes haven't gone foreword because the people didn't procreate. But there's something that I really can't trust about a woman who has never been a mother, a woman who has adopted is different, but a woman who just skips over that I feel bad for in a way because she might be missing out on something extraordinary. I know having a baby is a wonderful thing, but after you have a baby you have a kid, and kids are a pain in the ass, so I totally understand why they would want to skip over that. I don't know I'm just talking out of my ass now, but I don't know, just a thought.
I don't know what's really causing all these thoughts lately. I haven't had any brain stimulation like this in a long time, maybe being out of my self-pitying hole for a while really has done me some good, I can actually see past the end of my nose now! Hopefully my last 34 days in France are as fulfilling as the past two have been, wish me luck on that!

My Attempt At Trying To Justify The War In Iraq, With Myself?

Sun, 30 Jan 2005 11:07:26 GMT

I'm not in Iraq. I don't know all the politics that have to do with everything, but I really don't see the pretty picture of "democracy" as W. is trying to paint. I don't like that we are in iraq because they need democracy. We are in Iraq trying to give them democracy, but we can't figure out our own elections or social security for old people or free lunch programs for little kids, WTF? Year before las several people involved with the government said on TV, (I know because I watched it) that there were bunkers producing weapons of mass destructions and poisonous gas and so on AND scared me into believing it because of some little yellow triangles and red circles. Have we found any of that? Have we found any trace of that? I think NOT! Sure Saddam might be a crazy man, he might be a crazy man that at one time tried to kill Bush Sr. But really, is it really worth over 1,000 young men? One lousy president, who didn't get re-elected (I vaguely remember that, but my mom voted for him and when he didn't win I knew I liked Clintion, even at four I was smart!) I'm not going to talk about the oil, but I could. These elections are supposed to prove that the people of Iraq want democracy, need democracy, even fiend democracy. But from what I hear from a variety of new sources (by "varitey" I mean all Yahoo news and random blogs I read, Republican included) every day there's another car bomb, another helicopter down, another number just like the day before that will be forgotten tomorrow when another number shows up, about the soldiers and innocent killed. No one really likes looking at the numbers anymore, I know I don't. I used to be horrified every day I'd read 19 killed in Baghdad, 22 killed in helicopter crash...but more recently it doesn't affect me anymore. That bothers me. I'm becoming numb to the casualties of war. Back to my point about the elections, I don't like that we're in Iraq, and I believe it's non-sense to try to solve someone's problems when you've got problems of your own, but I woke up this morning and thought about it, in the beginning of the US, way back in the first couple of elections, I bet there were attacks on the polling places and public officials, and everything worked our alright for us, so why doubt it so much for Iraq? That's about all the thought I've put into it, but it's a start. I don't like the war and believe it's a costly burden on the US, and I still detest W. with every ounce of my being, but being an optimist I did want to find the up side to this war, maybe one day I'll take a vacation in the Tigris River or send my kids to the Persian Gulf for spring break, who knows?